Why do so many of us do this? Why do we continue to hang on to relationships that are neither satisfying nor pleasurable? What exactly do relationships like this even give us?
Sitting in these never-ending limbo relationships, never knowing where I stand, feeling forgotten, I understand that these feelings are internal, deep, ingrained. The hurt and abandonment I feel grows daily as I continue to reach out, thinking “this is the day.” Yes, this is the day that my feelings will be reciprocated or at least recognized. That day never comes and my heart writhes in agony over the loss of something that was probably never there.
Why do I allow myself to suffer like this? I know full well that those whose affections I’m seeking probably have absolutely no idea how much torment I’m enduring. I don’t blame them.
We are all suffering in our own ways, wrapped up in desire; wanting, striving for what we can’t have. No matter how many ways we act out our childhood stories, the play always ends the same. It’s what we’ve come to expect, so there it is when we go looking for it.
If I remember to be mindful of the feelings that I am experiencing and aware of the process my heart is going through, maybe I can recognize these patterns earlier and perhaps the driving need to be loved and accepted will not claw at me so fervently.
Yet, I see a reflection of myself in these friends. At one time I was so emotionally unavailable, wrapped up in my own sorrow that I couldn’t see the tenderness that others tried to share with me. If they could have only been patient a little longer, if they could have only held on a little more, I might have gotten there, one day. Now I know what I put them through. Do I punish myself by putting myself in their shoes or is this like a game of tennis, passing the role back and forth throughout life?
I don’t just fear abandonment, I fear abandoning others.
It’s not just a need to be liked or even loved but a desire to not be viewed in the same way I see those who abandoned me, to not betray someone I care about.
Knowing that, can I now decide to put them out of my mind and move on? I’m too loyal for that, its part of what made me such a good soldier and a dutiful daughter. More than that, it’s a value that I actually like about myself and betraying that value is like betraying my own self.
So, here I am again with a few answers but no real solutions.