Tonight I meditated on this quote. It struck me as odd but I know it to be true on so many different levels. Wounds and trauma are how we learn from the world and we carry our scars with us throughout life. Reminders of from where we have come and where we hope to go.
I have a story to share and, although it is one I've shared with many of you it is not one that is widely known.
Once upon a time, I died.
Yes, legally, dead. My heart stopped and my lungs ceased to take in air. Why? Because I was foolish, I thought my life was over after Army doctors told me that I'd never walk normally again and might be confined to a wheelchair for life. I took my own life.
The Universe gave it back to me.
Or rather, the kind doctors and nurses that were in the ER unit saved my dumb ass. Let me tell you, attempting suicide in a hospital isn't probably the most assured way to go but I was 19 and didn't know much at the time. All I knew was my life was over.
And then it wasn't.
I drifted above my body feeling a oneness with everything and then I was back in my body and the only thing I knew for sure was that I had a choice.
I could die or I could be reborn.
I could choose to be who I wanted to be, anyone I wanted to be. All I had to do was just be it. It might take time for others to treat me like the person I wanted to be but eventually they would get there.
So I did.
I became Jessie and was no longer comfortable with being called Jessica after that day.
Now, I tell you this story because lately I haven't been acting like Jessie. Nor have I been acting like Jessica really. I've been busy wallowing in self-pity and feeling depressed. I've allowed my hurt and feelings of betrayal to rule my life. I've given into my base feelings of anger, pain, despair, depression, and yes, even suicidal thoughts.
Is that like me?
No. I haven't felt anywhere close to this in 17 years and, yes, I have a counselor I see twice a month and I'm taking medications, etc. etc. Depression medication is not a magic pill. The source of my depression still remains and that pill won't take that away.
Only I can choose to let it go.
So, I'm doing that. I forgive you, I forgive the world, and I forgive myself.
I am letting go of anger and letting go of betrayal.
I am sorry if any of the things I have done or said lately have hurt anyone that I love.
No excuses, I've been an ass.
And its time to find my way back to myself again.